Navy Raptor

[Gary]

Dateline 2014. Persian Gulf
The UN Navy regains air dominance with the deployment of the F-22N. “It feels good to sail into the Gulf without that old sense of paranoia and fear we used to have.” said Admiral Stone Ridge.  The old fear he was referring to relates to the near disastrous results of the bombing of Iran’s nuclear facilities in Tar-raa-ta-boom-te-ayye, a northern township in Iran. The US Navy had been tasked with destroying the entire site where weapons grade plutonium was being made. This after Iran successfully detonated a nuclear weapon six months before. The strike package had three refueling points on the raid due to the limited range of fully loaded Super F-18 Hornets. Congressional leaders who demanded the raid and then planned it, weren’t aware of the range differences between a loaded Super Hornet and a clean one. They were using Wikpedia’s data base on the Super Hornet, not realizing it was a load of propaganda crapola.  
Iranian SU-37 Super Flankers engaged the in-flight refueling aircraft at BVR. Their escort of Super Hornets were swamped by the numerical superiority of the Iranians. Under orders from Washington, the US flyers fired almost their entire weapons load at remotely guided F-14’s and assorted drones. Controllers in the Awacs were very aware that these were drones, but the orders from the congressional subcommittee on knitting and carpel tunnel syndrome who were in charge of the tactical situation ordered the shoot down of the drones because they figured it would be easier to figure out who the real threats were. That and they dropped a stitch and got a bit confused.
A full 2 thirds of the strike package and their escorts didn’t make it back to the carriers because of fuel issues. The Iranians fired hundreds of air to air missiles of a dozen types simply to make the pilots use more fuel to avoid being shot down.
Worse still, on an executive order from President Hillary Clinton, the 3 carriers of the assault fleet were ordered inland to try and close the gap for the fuel starved fighters. They came into strike range of the Iranian SU34 Strike Flankers and their top cover of SU-37’s. “It was a furball and a hell of a mess. We splashed 6 of the 34’s and 3 of the 37’s, but in the process we lost the USS Schwarzenegger and both of the remaining carriers were crippled.” The USS Schwarzenegger was named after the late governor of California who exploded, literally, during a re-election debate with incumbent Pamela Anderson, who showed up for the debate wearing a G-string and two small pieces of duct tape. His pacemaker went into turbo mode and his skull popped under pressure. After years of steroid abuse, his blood had nowhere else to go.
With the arrival of the F-22N in theatre providing an air dominance role not had since the retirement of the F14 Tomcat naval commanders were able to assert a dominant role in the Gulf and issues of serious force projection could now be realized. Iran no longer posed the same threat since the overthrow of the previous regime, and their relations with the US had improved to the extent that oil had been flowing, but Boots Bush, the dog of former president Jeb Bush and the only decent and possible successor to either of the Clinton or Bush monarchies, demanded that Iran and the now long defunct nuclear power plants be bombed into even smaller rubble, thus starting Gulf War 6. Presidnet Hillary Clinton had been impeached due to her use of large cigars as dildoes, an all too familiar family trend. The trouble actually began for her when she was quoted as saying "nothing gives me a good orgasm like a fine Cuban." Upon the news, the mummified corpse of Castro was seen smiling.
Boots made this decision after consulting his spiritual advisor, High Priest Donny Rumsfield the Second. Well, that was Rumsfield’s translation of Boots orders to the armed forces. He later sat down and drank a cup of blood from a virgin. The F-22N came to the Navy after Grumman was contracted to make the necessary changes to the basic Raptor the USAF were using. The aircraft needed only a slight changes in structure to prevent corrosion and accommodate the additional stresses of naval use. “These were only minor changes to the physical structure,” stated Lt. Commander Chip Shoulder “as the Airforce F-22 had already been designed with the klutzy USAF jocks in mind. We simply took off the training wheels and poof, a naval F-22.” Shoulder was promptly punched in the face by Colonel Sky Blue of the USAF who over heard the insult.
Congress initially came up with the inspired nickname Sea Raptor, but decided on Down Comfortor because the down had to do with birds and the plane gave the congressional planners a warm fuzzy feeling. Naval commanders, after spitting their coffee on the deck promptly renamed the F-22N the Hellcat II after her famous Grumman stable mate and it’s importance during WW2. Grumman had originally suggested the American Shorthair in keeping with the original named cat theme, but after too many Rum-Tum-Tugger jokes promptly gave up and told the guys at Newsweek to go get stuffed.

Ok, I have way too much time on my hands in a Math classroom.

[GTX]

I actually have a Naval F-22N on the planning board - though mine will be closer to this image and may be a two seater:



I am going to bash a F-22 and a F-14 together and see what results.

Regards,

Greg

[Gary]

reality is a bitch.


opps, can you say bitch? Hopefully it's not as bad as the thing I'm not allowed to say

[Madoc]

Navy Raptors?

Gary, have you been reading John Birmingham's "Axis of Time" series?

Hmm...

Madoc

[Gary]

No, is it good?
Honestly, all the talk about naval markings on the F-111 sort of got me thinking.
Plus I wanted to make fun of that Arnold.  

[GTX]

The "Axis of Time" series is a nice bit of mental escapism - it's a bit like a developed version of the Movie "The Final Countdown" though bigger and with more advanced toys.

I am waiting patiently for the final installment.

Regards,

Greg

[MartG]

Good story there Gary - probably uncomfortably close to the truth too  

[Archibald]

Tar-raa-ta-boom-te-ayye, a northern township in Iran.

we lost the USS Schwarzenegger and both of the remaining carriers were crippled." The USS Schwarzenegger was named after the late governor of California who exploded, literally, during a re-election debate with incumbent Pamela Anderson, who showed up for the debate wearing a G-string and two small pieces of duct tape. His pacemaker went into turbo mode and his skull popped under pressure. After years of steroid abuse, his blood had nowhere else to go.

Boots Bush, the dog of former president Jeb Bush and the only decent and possible successor to either of the Clinton or Bush monarchies, demanded that Iran and the now long defunct nuclear power plants be bombed into even smaller rubble, thus starting Gulf War 6.

Presidnet Hillary Clinton had been impeached due to her use of large cigars as dildoes, an all too familiar family trend. The trouble actually began for her when she was quoted as saying "nothing gives me a good orgasm like a fine Cuban." Upon the news, the mummified corpse of Castro was seen smiling.

Boots made this decision after consulting his spiritual advisor, High Priest Donny Rumsfield the Second. Well, that was Rumsfield's translation of Boots orders to the armed forces. He later sat down and drank a cup of blood from a virgin.