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GROUP BUILDS => 2009 Group Builds => The Knackers Yard => Sovietise it GB!!! => Topic started by: puddingwrestler on January 17, 2009, 10:08:35 pm

Title: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on January 17, 2009, 10:08:35 pm
From a press release found lining a long forgotten hatbox in the attic of Mrs. Natasha Klimov of Minsk:

"Commerades! Glorious news from пудинг автомобильный завод (PAH) just receieved. Factory is to produce small, economical car much as built by decadent western English capitalist dog Austin and Morris companies. Soviet car to be superior in styling with decorative fenders and much use of latest fibreglass and plastics.  Car to be small and easy to manouver in glorious Soviet traffic in prosprous people's cities. To be powered by small petrol engine of four stroke in innovatve cross-wise direction mounting. Sufficient power to be provided for the running of foolish capitalist three wheeled cars off the road. Car to be built in Minsk tractor factory (now renamed PAH in honour of glorious designer on new people's car) by unwed teenage mothers, daughters of glorious red army choir members."

No other details have so far surfaced on this enigmatic machine, although an extensive search of Mrs. Klimov's attic has revealed that she is also in posession of what experts have determined to be a copy of Pravda printed entirerly backwards due to a Vodka tanker overturning outside fo the printers in 1966.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 19, 2009, 03:08:58 pm
An exhaustive search of Mrs. Klimov's attic by a team of industrial archeologists has revealed fresh press releases about the semi-mythical PAH small car:

Commerades! Once more glorious tidings of пудинг автомобильный завод recieved! New small engine for glorious people's small car is produce! Decadent western four-stroke motor salvaged from small british car shot down when try to infiltrate airspace of motherland is used as inspiration. Is compact and efficient small four stroke for to fit small car for glorious workers! Soviet version is have more power thanks to glorious people's carburettors of down-draft type and able to run on variety of fuels include petrol, jet fuel and vodka. Already order from politburro and people's army for over four-thousand example for use of low-grade officials and secretaries. (A scribbled note in the margin reads: "Dirty old men in politburro obviously hope to see up skirts of seretaries climbing from such low car." The hand writting has been identified as that of Sergei Ivanovich Pavlov, a wheel-tapper from Minsk railway station who was arrested on charges of treason and died in Siberia in 1970)

Further excavations continue, officials say they ahve found a very promising seam of back-issues of Pravda in an old fish-paste box buried deep in the back of Mrs. Klimov's attic. Oleg Gradenko, chief archeologist stated that he was confident of locating images of the mysterious vehicle very soon, along with the rest of it's strange history.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: anthonyp on March 19, 2009, 07:33:27 pm
...a copy of Pravda printed entirerly backwards due to a Vodka tanker overturning outside fo the printers in 1966.

Comrade, I am surprised those editions were not more common.  KGB archives of that particular Pravda printing facility detail many such events. 

After the first wondrous overturning of the tanker, the hard workers there were known to undertake daring "Fell the Elephant" operations whenever another tanker went by the factory.  These usually involved mass mobs of workers on break running into the street, causing the tanker to usually jack knife in order to keep the driver from killing any socialist brethren.  Many brave workers were lost to the "Elephants" that failed to yield.  Such bravery and determination was usually awarded medals, posthumously.

Moscow police came to call the particular road that the tankers had to traverse the "Joyous Tiny Water Flood Parkway."

Comrade, for your industrious archeological undertaking, a tanker of vodka is on its way to your OKB, obviously avoiding any Pravda printing facilities to ensure its safe arrival!

ZA RODINA!!!

Comrade Lt. Colonel Anatoly Iosef Pakizorich, Naval Aviation Bureau
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 22, 2009, 04:35:06 am
Further information has come to light, this time thanks to the Smolensk University Socio-Political research and dust-bin diving club! Found in a crate of old newspapers, this article comes from the Minsk Workers Daily Double Bassoon (or possibly the Minsk Daily Bugle, the borscht stains make it hard to decipher the masthead):

Soviet Scientist devlop new wonder material.
Today commerades great and joyous news come from PAH automotive team in Minsk Tractor Factory. Glorious socialist scientists there develop new light weight material for to builld cars, also for example boats, aircraft and domestic appliance (editors note: again the borscht stains are in evidence - this could possibly read 'aircraft and surgical appliances'). Is resin material such as fibre glass in type, reinforced with fibre derive from beetroots. Produce strong and light material in pleasing to eye pink colour but also able to be change colour with application of paint. PAH is annoucne new small car of which much glorious news is heard of late is to be made from material, which is named 'beetaplast'. Is hope for production to be start soon on production model. Prototype is test very successful.

Meanwhile, in Minsk, investigators have been going through the thousands of files in the Minsk tractor facroty archieves (much of which was destoyed during a power failure in 1986 when it was used as a cheap alternative fuel source), and so far have found little apart from these notes on the performance of the PAH prototype written by one of the engineers on the back of a menu for the Minsk Workers Collective Canteen (the special of the day was Borscht):

PAH perform well. Beetaplast body wery sound, have little rattle or flex and doors only pop open once when going round tight corner. Engine is reliable and produce much noise to warn glorious workers to step safely asside for passage of automobile. Perhaps need to change type of glue holding on steering column as fell off four times. No wheels come off though, is better than prototype is testing now at Vladivostock Shopping Trolley Collective Factory of which all four wheels first go in different direction, then fall off. Recommend that rethink of heater to different type is good idea as kerosene catch fire resulting in total loss of prototype, but managed to save number plates.

Research continues into this mysterious machine. Photographs of an engine have been discovered, and Oleg Grandenko, head of the investigation is currently checking if they depict the engine belonging to the PAH small car or that of another vehicle. Confirmation is expected any day now, and the images will be published as soon as we know they come from the PAH car (it has been suggested that they actually show an early model of the Moscow Hairdrier Works 'People's Make for to Look Good Style Friend' type hair drier)
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: ChernayaAkula on March 22, 2009, 07:02:41 am
 :lol: (http://www.arcforums.com/forums/air/style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif) Hilarious!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: philp on March 22, 2009, 11:15:51 am
The People demand pictures.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Geoff on March 22, 2009, 01:14:37 pm
 :lol:

"Joyous Tiny Waterflood Parkway" :drink:

 :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 22, 2009, 11:19:02 pm
Commerades!
I have just gotten off the phone with Oleg Gradenko and it has been confirmed that he photograph his team found is infact of the prototype PAH engine! The photo was mis-labled as a 'People's Make for to Look Good Style Friend' hair dryer (one suspects another elephant raid at Pravda).
Here is the photograph. It has been cleaned up slightly from the original as the print quality was lousy.
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/peoplescar_1.JPG)
My sources inform me that the hair dryer is actually bigger adn far more intimidating.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Weaver on March 23, 2009, 01:57:11 am
Don't know whether this is more entertaining than infuriating or vice-versa. Lack of pictures could be used as new FSB technique for encouragement of co-operation by detainees, replacing archaic thumbscrews of KGB era, maybe?
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Ti Raven on March 23, 2009, 05:52:15 am
Well, Puddingwresteler, once again you have happened upon an article of great interest to your modeling kindred.
Your intelligence network is becoming quite legendary, sir!

Thank you for sharing this interesting bit of info. I'll be following this story, as well as the borscht allows.

~ Ti
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: lancer on March 23, 2009, 09:39:00 am
Well, Puddingwresteler, once again you have happened upon an article of great interest to your modeling kindred.
Your intelligence network is becoming quite legendary, sir!

Thank you for sharing this interesting bit of info. I'll be following this story, as well as the borscht allows.

~ Ti

Don't for Lenins sake mention Borscht Comrade...You'll find yourself on al=n all expenses paid trip to that favourite of Siberian holiday resorts - The Gulags!!!
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 23, 2009, 02:31:56 pm
I am currently awaiting a courier from Minsk carrying photographs of the prototype beetaplast body along with various other photographs which have recently come to light from various sources.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 24, 2009, 02:57:50 am
From the archieves of the Moscow Postcard Collector's Club comes the latest information of the PAH small car, in the shape of this post card sent by Club president Ivan Gagarin to the club from Minsk during a visit in his capacity as chief printer at the Moscow Propaganda Printing Works. The post card was porduced by PAH to celebrate the conversion of the Minsk Tractor Factory to the People's Small Car, and shows the factory soon after it's original opening in the early 1930s, along with an image of the partially completed prototype body.
Incidentally, Mr. Gagarin's message read:

Quote
"Fraternal greetings from Minsk Tractor Factory, now PAH small car works! Have spent day in tour of new facility and being shown new small peoples car. Have been promised small delivery version to be porduced which will be wery good for to make small deliveries of printed material and also to transport printing personel with mobile press to remote location. Yesterday viewed Minsk Patriotic Paper Mills and Minsk People's Printing works. Both producing glorious soviet product of clear superiority to decadent western versions. Have secured blank original mint copy of card for club collection. Is limited commemorative edition of ten thousand. Za Rodina! Commerade Ivan Gagarin."

And here is the postcard in question (Mr. Gagarin's original mint copy was sold to a Japanese collector in 1998)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah_postcard_front.jpg)
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Ti Raven on March 24, 2009, 05:33:55 am
Ah, the enlightenment  continues, Comrades!
 I shall mention your valiant efforts to bring this information to light to my fellow CoMMiES* @ the next meeting!

A Japanese collector has the original? Hmmmmm............?
How peculiar would it be if this Japanese 'collector', is actually trying to beat the Russian version of the
PAH to market with a Capitalist made version from the Land of the Rising Sun?

Hopefully, Comrade, this will not happen!!!

~ Comrade Tanya




* Colorado Modeling Militia Enjoying SciFi, a very real & active modeling club, formerly in Colorado but now spreading world~wide.
Manifesto... (http://commiesmodeling.com/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=20&Itemid=47)




Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 24, 2009, 02:25:35 pm
I already drive the nipponised version Commerade Raven; it's called a Suzuki Swift, but it did not come into being until 2004-2005, while the PAH project dates from the 1960s.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Ti Raven on March 24, 2009, 10:33:25 pm
I also... mine is a Suzuki Sidekick.

 :thumbsup: It goes far on very little gas/petrol.

Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: GTX on March 27, 2009, 12:21:09 pm
Quote
My sources inform me that the hair dryer is actually bigger adn far more intimidating.

Be careful comrade, you may have inadvertently (we hope, for your sake!) stumbled across the peoples' new secret weapon system there!

Regards,

Greg
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: lancer on March 27, 2009, 03:01:37 pm
Quote
My sources inform me that the hair dryer is actually bigger adn far more intimidating.

Be careful comrade, you may have inadvertently (we hope, for your sake!) stumbled across the peoples' new secret weapon system there!

Regards,

Greg

So we are now going to blow dry the west into submission are we comrade?? InterestinK!!!!

Lancerov - Colonel GRU
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 28, 2009, 01:43:16 pm
no no commerade - is model which fit over head as seen in glorious people's styling salon. Is work as mind control hat. To be infilitrated into decadent west and soon we have army of brain washed house wives for to desabilise government.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 28, 2009, 10:44:29 pm
The tattered remains of a PAH brouchure have been discovered in the Minsk people's library archieves. It is thought that the brouchure may have been produced when an export porgram to Europe was considered, however it is known that this never eventuated. Much of the brouchure has been destroyed by the ravages of time along with flood damage which struck the archieve in 1997 when the water pipes froze up and burst.
However, the following text can be made out (in English no less!)

"...happy motoring. Hardly sprung suspensions is make PAH excellent choice for comfort and handle well. Generous 12 inch wheels are for perfect for use in rural areas and on rough track such as found in such place. Can be made to carry much cargo in large trunk or boot attach to back of car and fully water tight. Comfortable interior feature seat for four adult and also full instrumentation (Speedometer, Tachometer and Fuelometer). PAH is built from Beetaplast new wonder material..."

On the reverse of this, the following specifications can just be made out:

Engine: 850cc Inline Four cylinder wiht double down draft glorious 'Red Flag' carburetor.
Transmission: Four Speed fully unsynchronised STC. (note: STC probably stands for Smolensk Tractor Collective) Also having reverse gear at no extra costings!
Wheelbase: 2.04m
Length: 3.10m
Width: 1.42m
Height: 1.35m
Kerb weights: 615kg
Body: Two door wery small saloon made from Beetaplast, new wonder material specially developed by soviet scientist!

A partial options list can also be made out - it is fascinsating to note that the Kerosene heater is still available, despite the misgivings of the designers. Other options include a spare tyre, windshield wipers, and a valve-state 78rpm gramophone which can be built into the back seat, taking up the whole space.They don't make options like that anymore!

REsearch and industrial archeology continues, and I am confident that I will soon be able to bring to light the rest of this startling story.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: lancer on March 29, 2009, 09:29:33 am
no no commerade - is model which fit over head as seen in glorious people's styling salon. Is work as mind control hat. To be infilitrated into decadent west and soon we have army of brain washed house wives for to desabilise government.

Ah I see, this is an excellent idea comrade, and the good thing is that these decadent western women will actually pay for thier indoctrination sessions, thus bringing in much nreeded foregin currency for the motherland!! I will reccommend you for a commendation comrade!

Lancerov - Colonel GRU
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Ti Raven on March 29, 2009, 11:13:52 am
"a valve-state 78rpm gramophone which can be built into the back seat"....
With options like that, we shall soon take over the world. The People of depressed Capitalist Countries shall flock to our Banner!
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: JoeP on March 30, 2009, 07:31:55 pm
Comrades, the decadent capitalist west recently recognized the superiority of our glorious Soviet cars on a recent (to the US) episode of "Top Gear", a show where three foolish Western men repeatedly demonstrate the inferiority of all cars produced in the west. Their only heroic member is known as the "Stig", which we all know is short for Soviet Technical Industrial... umm... Gears!

The one known as Jeremy demonstrated the indestructibility of one vehicle by attempting, unsuccessfully, to damage it with a sledgehammer. Then he and "Captain Slow", an appropriate title for most westerners, showed how great Soviet cars do not waste energy in oversized engines, clearly demonstrated by the capitalist running dog pointlessly outracing our magnificent, sufficiently-powered sedans. Finally they showed the great protectionist qualities by repeatedly crashing two cars together, running one of the road into rough with no significant damage, and finally taking a small truck deep into a swamp where even a pathetic Range Rover could not go, so deep that the Soviet truck has to push out the RR with a special, Communist rigid rope tied between them.

I cannot wait to see the latest product of our glorious Socialist factories!

JoeP
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: nev on March 31, 2009, 09:09:37 am
Comrade IosefP, perhaps you should forward your report to the Department of Socialist Education, Re-education and Enlightenment.  Top Gearski would surely prove popular with the proletariat.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on March 31, 2009, 02:26:24 pm
Commerades! Most excellent news!

I have tracked down the last surviving PAH, in possession of Ms. Natascha Romokov of Minsk. To Minsk I am going today for to interview Ms Romokov who is ex-PAH factory worker and owns PAH.
Commerades; there will be photographs! There will be full story of PAH! There will be rejoicmentings!
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on April 01, 2009, 01:52:43 am
Commerades! At last it can be told - the story of glorious PAH small car and how decadent west conspired to destroy it before even it reached true potentials!
Have just returned from interview with Ms Natascha Romokov, ex factory worker for PAH, now sixty-four years old. From Ms Romokov have learned true story and full of PAH!

In 1962, Puddingskyia Automobile Works (PAH) is founded by Alexi Puddingskyia to produce small car based on design such as that produced by Austin and Morris in decadent western United Kingdom (so what if they give us glorious MiG engines, they are still capitalist monarchist pigs-dog-rabbit-mice!). Is greatly helped when English tourist takes wrong turn due to confusing German maps and drives over east german border in car called 'mini'. Car is confiscated and rushed to Minsk for Puddingskyia to analyse.
Design is clever, but Puddingskyia see ways for to improve, so design work begin.
In 1964, is ready for production and PAH Collective Factory is set up in former Minsk Tractor Factory. Is staffed by unwed teenage mothers (reports in decadent west that Soviet Union lacks for caring for teenage mothers gross lies. Factory even feature special nappy change room and creche where children of age twelve months and up learn to sing Red Flag loudly while also at same time cleaning small PAH car parts!). Ms. Romokov, aged at time eighteen years and mother of fine young socialist son is employed to be fitting steering columns. Production model feature bolt-on steering column after disasterous results of prototype car with glue-on unit.
 Large order for PAH small car are coming in from Red Army, Red Airforce, Red Fleet and politburo, not to mention many happy worker.
Production is start and go wery well for three weeks until October 22nd, 1964. ON this day, Ms Romokov is sick and attend people's clinic in Minsk. At PAH plant, is terrible accident. Soviet press is blame on sabotage by capitalist pig western General Motors company fearing PAH exports hit thier sales. Real cause (found out after collapse of soviet union) is terrible accident. Glorious Soviet Worker drives petrol tanker to PAH plant for to be fueling up first batch of car off production line so as can be deliver. Driver passes Pravda printing works, and stops for to be taking part in bounty of over-turned Vodka tanker. Driver is get wery cheerful. Driver is reach PAH plant, but is not stop! Is drive straight into plant, tanker rams into vat which hold liquid resin for to make Beetaplast. Is wery volatile mixture. Driver is smoke ciggarette. Is react to Beetaplast not good.
Is wery large explosion.
PAH factory is destroyed totally, along with four-hundred and twelve unwed teenage mothers, forty-four overseers, engineers and others, and Alexi Puddingskyia. Repair of factory is impossible, all plans for car lost. PAH project reluctantly abandon.
Ms. Romokov is given sole surviving PAH car as compensation and find job as secretary for Politburo. She take to wear trousers for to prevent showing of high-quality soviet people's undergarment.
Still have PAH car in possession. Is not been drive since 1968 when front suspension is go wrong. No replacement available, so stored in garage since.

Ms Romokov tells me that car looks exactly as when left PAH factory in 1964, although has some dust from long storage. Paintwork is still in factory condition, and car still run apart from suspension meaning cannot be driven. Beetaplast body work show no sign of crack and age like western fibreglass does.
Ms Romokov's car is painted 'The People's Blue' (other colour option include 'The People's Black' and 'The People's Red', also plan for race version to take on west in rally, painted in red with Hammer and Sickle flag roof), and feature no optional extra. Is sole surviving model of PAH, and Ms. Romokov wery supised PAH has been discover again as thought all forgott many year ago.

Commerades: please to enjoy pictures of PAH!

(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah5.JPG)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah4.JPG)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah3.JPG)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah2.JPG)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah1.JPG)
(http://members.iinet.net.au/~owentop/images/pah6.JPG)
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: tanktastic43 on April 01, 2009, 03:10:22 am
YES! Gotta have one. Sod the Audi R8.  ;D  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: nev on April 01, 2009, 05:04:02 am
Comrade, is finest example of post-revolutionary revisionist history in history of Socialism!  International recognition is surely forthcoming for this outstanding piece of rhetoric!

http://www.whatifmodelers.com/index.php/topic,23097.msg346216.html#msg346216
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Chap on April 01, 2009, 09:05:57 am
A Soviet Mini! :lol: I love it.

~Steve
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: Jschmus on April 02, 2009, 03:21:22 am
Looks like competition for the old Trabant.

(http://img.timeinc.net/time/2007/50_cars/trabant.jpg)

http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1658545_1658533_1658030,00.html

I like it, comrades!
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on April 02, 2009, 03:07:52 pm
Is actually competition for ZAZ Zaporozhets. Trabant is east german.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: frank2056 on April 03, 2009, 09:24:59 am
The backstory is great and the PAH looks like a project from the old Soviet union.

But... where's the 78rpm gramophone? I can imagine driving down Leninsky Prospekt, on a fine Moscow summer day with the windows rolled down and the grapmophone playing Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza. You know that Russian chicks just can't resist....
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: JayBee on April 03, 2009, 09:49:36 am
Komrade Tapiocawrestler,
We have large file on you, we know who you are.
My associates will be at your door in two minutes, dio not try and resist, resistance is futile.

Komrade JayBeeSki ( AKA - mij llenkcirb )

PS For something that does not fly, I love it.
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: JoeP on April 08, 2009, 04:41:47 pm
Oh Comrade, I salute your impressive achievement! The West should stumble over themselves to attempt to obtain such magnificent vehicular superiority!

Up the Revolution!

Commissar Iosef R
Title: Re: Russian small car to take on decadant west!
Post by: puddingwrestler on April 22, 2010, 05:28:10 am
Commerades! new information about glorious PAH small car is discover!
Am start new thread in decadent western 'Alt. History' section for to be record and spread further news.
For to be linking! (http://www.whatifmodelers.com/index.php/topic,28373.0.html)